By Beth Zarate
We never imagined we would ever have to hear the deep uncontrollable sobbing of our 16-year-old son, we never knew it was possible to experience loss at such depth, to feel the world fall apart around us. On Sept 12th, 1998 my family gathered and wept as my 16-year-old son signed over his parental rights to our first grand baby. Our hearts were breaking — yet in his infinite wisdom God was opening our world to an incredible love story.
Isabelle Faith came into the world, blonde and precious, healthy and beautiful, in a hospital suite complete with her birth family and adoptive family. Together we would cherish her and watch her grow into an amazing young woman, the smart and energetic engineering student she is today. My son’s picture would al- ways be in her room — he would attend her baptism, her birthdays, vacation with her adoptive family, cheer at her high school graduation and she would be a brides- maid in his wedding.
Today he calls her Belle, his first born angel, she calls him Rick, and they talk often. Rick knows Belle loves him and adoption was the right choice…. he enjoys a great relationship with Belle’s adoptive parents David and Linda and harbors immense gratitude for them and their unwavering commitment to “open adoption.” He loves Belle’s older sister Emily, also from an open adoption. David and Linda are amazing people and parents, we see the beauty and love of God in them and they have blessed us immeasurably. To be clear, they did all the hard work, all the parenting, all the sleepless nights, all the nurturing.
Open adoption is honest, it is shared love, and like Christ’s sacrifice for us an expression of the depth of God’s love for his children. It honors the heroism and bravery birth parents display when they place their child with a loving family through adoption. It honors the commitment of adoptive parents to give their child every opportunity to know their complete life story — gracious enough to share and choosing the best for their child.
If I am truthful, in the beginning the loss I felt was un- imaginable and my faith doubted and my tears flowed. I felt a deep loss, experienced personal de- pression and sorrow for my son. I felt alone in a conversation not easily held with relatives or friends.
My belief and faith in God carried me. Faith is the first step, even when you can’t see the whole staircase. Every time we received a phone call, picture, health update on Belle I realized what a privilege it was to be in her life…if only a part of her orbit… I had a part.
I knew I had to be intentional if I hoped to have a connection with my birth granddaughter. Every summer I would gather our family and we would make a birthday gift to Belle from our family. From all of us signing a stuffed animal, to picking our favorite songs for a CD, to each signing a quilt square for a blanket…..every birthday Belle received a special gift and a reminder of how very much she was wanted and loved. I still burst in to tears when I remember all of us signing a wall hanging that said “You are our favorite hello and hardest goodbye.”
Today, Belle is 22 and she is compassionate, kind, vibrant, brave and adventurous. She tells me she loves me and it melts my heart. I love immensely all my grandchildren that followed but my love for Belle is profound, I had to love her from afar and I prayed her into my life. We did not lose a grand baby on that day, we grew our family, and our love story continues.
My prayer is everyone understands how life affirming open adoption is, how for my son, knowing his daughter, knowing she was loved and safe, and watching her grow allowed him to become the wonderful man God intended him to be. The experience blessed him and thru it he found his courage. He went to college, established a successful career, married our dearest Lane the love of his life, and they have blessed us with 2 beautiful grandchildren who also know and love our Belle.
“First there is the fall. And then we recover from the fall. Both are the mercy of God” — Lady Julian of Norwich.
Adoption is a viable and beautiful path for women in unplanned pregnancies. Our family recognizes that open adoption may not work for everybody but for our families it was a perfect blessing. Heartfelt thanks to Methodist Mission home in San Antonio for guiding us through our open adoption plan.
From Rick: “There was no “light- bulb” moment, no aligning of the stars. It’s complicated and it was hard for us and our families, but it was the right choice for Belle. It’s not easy to place a child and to decide that you’re going to let another man be the father figure in their life.”
“Of two things I am certain, that my daughter loves me and I made the right choice.”
From Belle: “I love my birth family and feel so lucky that they care about me and include me… one of the things I cherish so much is I love seeing Ricky and Lane and I love, love, love getting to know my little half siblings. They are so sweet and special and I am just big sister Belle.”
“I think you just get a beautiful perspective and if your adoptive family and birth family have a trusting relationship it can be a really special thing.”